Although we are a young couple and have only been married for a little over a year, my husband and I feel that God has blessed us with a small wealth of wisdom concerning our marriage. We see so many couples, married or not, struggling, and that is the reason I'm writing this. I want to share the insight God has granted us in hopes that this information can help other couples.
By no means am I writing this because I think I'm an expert, or because I think that my marriage is perfect. Chad and I still struggle, and I am completely aware that we still have the vast majority of challenges to face, and I'm sure that there are many others out there more qualified to write this but Chad and I have experienced a variety of things that many couples our age may not have, though, and I will say, simply, that I feel like God is leading me to put together this post because of that. I hope that someone will get something out of this, and if so, I hope that they can recognize that it is because of God, not me. I will also say that this information is a compilation of what we have heard, read, and then experienced ourselves, so this isn't new information and I do not claim the ideas as my own original concepts. A list of references is included, should you want to find out more about a certain point. I also hope you can appreciate some of the humor I put in some of these points.. So here we go:
Items of Advice on Building A Healthy Relationship
- Prepare Yourself - I believe that part of the reason marriages don't last is because the people entering into them did not prepare themselves beforehand. We are all born very self-centered. As babies, we cannot care for anyone else because we cannot care for ourselves. As we grow, we become more independent. Children begin caring for themselves to a limited extent, and as children become teenagers, they have a self-awareness. They are suddenly aware of how they interact with others, but not until adulthood are they expected to care for others in a way necessary in marriage. I believe God designed parenting to come after marriage because it is the ultimate test in self-sacrifice. However, the prequel is very important. Marriage means you are no longer your main concern. Most people now-a-days are not raised to think of others before themselves. Therefore, we enter into marriage unprepared. Before you get married, you need to identify and fix your character defects. The prideful person will claim that they don't have any, or that theirs aren't in need of attention. This is something anyone interested in marriage should do well before they even begin dating. The truth is, your possible spouse should not love you for who you are, and you should not expect them to. That is a selfish train of thought. Out of love for your partner, you should acknowledge and work on your faults, so that they won't have to deal with them later on. Remember, when you get married, you and your partner become one, so your character flaws become theirs, and affect them even more than they affect you.
- Love is a Choice - Real, lasting love is not a feeling, but a decision that both people must make every day. Society may make love sound like a feeling, which may come when you meet the right person, but may leave if your Mr. or Ms. Right is no longer the right one for you. For example, I recently saw a car commercial which mentions that love is chemistry. I'm sorry, but no, it isn't. Infatuation is chemistry. Infatuation is a chemical reaction in your brain that occurs when you meet someone who shares interests with you, or who you find attractive, etc. These chemicals trick you into thinking that this human is flawless, has no faults, and will love you and respect you forever, no matter what. I'm convinced that God designed this aspect of the human physiology because, without it, humans would see each others' inherent flaws, quirks, etc. from the beginning. If that was the case, I believe our pride just might cause us to become an endangered species. The purpose of infatuation is to delude us into a relationship long enough for the two to develop an attachment for one another. Once the two have a base for their relationship, we should then follow God's example, and make the active choice to love. I could very easily allow myself to 'fall in love' with someone else. So could my husband. But because we both make that choice every day, we put up appropriate boundaries to protect our relationship. It seems to me that this is the one thing that is lacking in most relationships today, and it is one thing that can save a relationship, transform it, if both parties actively make this decision to love only one another, and put up boundaries for the rest of the world. Agree when getting married that your vows really do mean 'till death do we part'. My husband and I agreed that divorce would never, ever be an option. If he cheats on me and runs off with another woman for weeks, we will work through it. If I relapse and get back on pills, and I blow all our savings, we will work it out. Make that decision, and you will have to acknowledge that love is a choice, not a feeling.
- Men and Women are very Different - The acceptance of this truth, that God made the male and female genders to be very different--almost polar opposites--can make the way you communicate with your spouse much easier, especially for females. This piece of advice is very simple. When you and your husband get home from work, and you want to talk with him for an hour, and he wants some quietude, accept that, and compromise. When you realize and are okay with the fact that the two of you sometimes want different things, feel and cope with stuff in different ways, you can come to a place where the both of you can get a little bit of what each of you desires. However, this fact will only help a relationship if both parties acknowledge it and decide to compromise.
- Love and Respect - This dovetails off of the last point--women need love, and men need respect. This concept cannot be fully explained in a single point in one blog post. I beg you to go out and buy the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Since I know you are in the process of ordering that book on Amazon, I'll just lay out the gist of the concept (and while you are waiting on your book to arrive, you can check out Emerson's blog here.) Women inherently need love, unconditional love. Men need respect, unconditionally, as well. It seems to me, after reading the book, that this could save so many relationships. In the book, Emerson talks about the 'crazy cycle'. It typically begins when one party(usually the man?) fails to provide for a need. Either the man fails to be loving, or commits an act that is unloving, or the woman doesn't provide respect, or does something disrespectful. As an example, let's say a couple gets married. The man has finally achieved the goal of winning his wife's heart, so he doesn't provide as much affection or attention. As a way to cry out for the attention she is suddenly missing, the wife says something less than respectful. In response, the man continues to act without love. The cycle continues, until divorce. The cycle can be broken very simply. The woman, rather than acting snarky, can explain in a respectful way how she felt unloved.
- Make One Assumption - This assumption is mentioned in the Love and Respect book, as well. It's the only assumption I think you should make about your spouse, and it's really simple. (This does not apply to abusive relationships.) Women, he didn't mean to hurt you. He didn't intend to hurt your feelings, or crush your expectations(I'll talk about that word later). He just wasn't thinking, got distracted, etc. In a non-abusive relationship, you have to make the assumption that your husband has not intended evil towards you. Men, your wife doesn't mean to disrespect you. She doesn't desire to damage your honor. When she has said or done something that makes you feel disrespected, she is most likely trying(and failing) to communicate that she has a need going unmet. If, anytime your spouse hurts you, you decide to make this assumption, apologies are so much easier.
- Lower Your Expectations - Here's that awful word again. Although it's hard to explain, it's something that
my husband andI have struggled with, so I feel it's important. When you enter into a relationship, there's the infatuation to help the two of you out, but eventually that will fade. So, even if it hasn't yet, go ahead and lower your expectations! This doesn't mean eliminate them. There are healthy expectations, but most of us have high expectations. Usually, we expect our partner to attain perfection for us, yet we allow ourselves leeway. If you forget to pick up milk from the grocery store, you aren't too hard on yourself. If your spouse forgets, though, and for the third time in a row! You'd think he'd get better at this! I mean, geez... He probably was just being lazy! If you don't expect him to remember the milk, so you send him a sweet text when he's on his way home to remind him, and he arrives home with the milk, and a rose.. See what I'm getting at? Yes, you should expect appropriate boundaries, but beyond that, if you don't maintain high expectations, and your partner doesn't meet them, no harm done. If you expect something more, and they don't attain it, then you are essentially making your partner start in the negative; not only do they have to get back to zero, but then they have to go beyond that. But, if you don't expect anything from them, and they do remember the milk, then they just went from zero to the positive! - Lift Up Your Partner - I would argue that this is by far the most important point, but also the most difficult, because if you can do this, the rest will fall into place. This works best when both of you are trying to do it, and in accordance with the assumption and expectation points. By lifting up your partner, I mean put them above you, before you. Act as though your spouse's wishes and desires are more important than yours, but not as if yours are not important. And men, especially, if you do this for your wives, you will get some serious points. If the two of you want to go out to eat, but cannot agree on a place, decide to go with what your partner wants. Little things like this will bring out the same desire in your partner. This is based on the concept of a Biblical marriage, and it works. I will go ahead and say that Biblical marriage is NOT sexist, and I will explain why. Ephesians 5:21-23 are some of the most debated verses in the Bible. It states: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, the body, and is it's Savior." Usually, people only like quoting the first sentence there. But it is very important not to separate these verses. It mentions Christ being head of the church. What did Jesus do for the body of believers? He sacrificed himself for us. He died, allowing us to live. So, what does it say again? Though the two of you should submit to one another, and try to agree and live together as one, when there is a disagreement, wives need to allow their husbands to make the decision. Because, husbands, you are to be the head of your family, as Jesus is to the church, which means you are to act out the sacrificial relationship in your marriage. Jesus was not waited on hand and foot by the church. Jesus did not allow the church to treat him as a king. He washed the disciples feet, not vice versa. A Biblical marriage dictates that man and woman treat one another above themselves, but when it comes down to it, the man is to make the decision to do what is best for his wife, regardless of himself. Women, how can you not want a Biblical marriage now? The Bible clearly states that your husband is meant to live sacrificially in the marriage. Not domineer over you. However, women, don't use this as an excuse to demand your way. Submit to one another out of reverence for God, and it will all work out.
- Speak Your Partner's Language - Many people have heard of the book "The 5 Love Languages." It's a wonderful book, and that's what this point is about. I don't feel I need to go into much detail, as you can take a test to find out what your languages are here. I will list and discuss the different languages a little bit, though. Also, you are likely to show love in whatever way you would prefer to receive it. That's a good clue as to what your language is. Though the book states that people usually have one or two languages, I have found that me and my husband appreciate them all, only in a certain order. One language may be at the top of my list, but if Chad acts using the language at the bottom of my list, I can still appreciate it. For instance, when he goes shopping with me(a sacrificial act of service, at least on his part, speaks quality time to me) and then buys an item I was admiring for me(gift giving), I feel very loved, more so than him doing chores around the house for me(act of service.) Language 1: Words of Affirmation - This is your language if your partner's words are more important to you than anything else. Language 2: Acts of Service - If this is your partners language, you can rack up points by finding out their least favorite tasks, and doing them. Laundry, mowing, cooking, etc. I communicate love to my husband by buying him fast food, which could also fall under giving gifts. Language 3: Receiving Gifts - If this is your spouse's language, it's pretty obvious the way to show love. Buy them things, give them giftcards, make them breakfast, take time to make them a gift if they appreciate acts of service as well. Language 4: Quality Time - If this is what speaks love to your partner, set aside time in your schedule for them. Taking time to talk with your wife, I feel, falls under quality time, rather than words of affirmation. Language 5: Physical Touch - This includes hugs, holding hands, snuggling on the couch, or simply placing your hand on their shoulder as you walk by, but this does not include anything sexual. I will go ahead and say it again: the language of physical touch means anything non-sexual. Most men, and some woman, have a need for sex. It is not a desire, it is a physical need, which I will cover in the next point. It can be perceived, especially by women, with or without the need, as a way their partner can express love to them, thereby a part of the physical touch language. But from the perspective of a woman who has struggled with sexual need and addiction, it is just that: a need. So, do not include sex when looking at love languages.
- Meet Your Partner's Needs - This point is modeled after the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. This book made a huge difference in my marriage, so I feel it's a necessary read. You can usually find this book at Walmart, as well as Christian book stores. These are separate from the Love Languages, but I feel that if you find out what you and your partner's needs and love languages are, you can use the information to improve your relationship in so many different ways. The book splits the needs into two categories, men and women, but as it states in the book, the listed needs aren't gender-exclusive. My own marriage is a prime example of this. Here are the lists of needs:
Typically Men's Needs
- Admiration (a.k.a. - respect!)
- Domestic Support
- Attractiveness of Spouse
- Recreational Companionship
- Sexual Fulfillment
Typically Women's Needs
- Affection
- Intimate Conversation
- Honesty and Openness of Spouse
- Financial Support
- Family Commitment
Again, this is only typical. You or your partners needs may differ. For example, some men don't have a need for an attractive spouse, and some women may need sexual fulfillment just as much as a man does. Both mine and my husband's needs differ from the list, so it's not a big deal if yours do. Here is a description of the needs listed. The book does point out one thing that I feel is important, especially if your marriage is struggling in the sex area. Women tend to need emotional connection (intimate conversation, honesty and openness) and affection, and the product of fulfilling these needs results in a desire for sex. Men tend to need sex, and when that is fulfilled, emotional connection and affection are usually the result.
Well, I hope this helped someone out there. Here is a list of the resources I used in putting this together, as well as anything else I have found helpful in my marriage.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The 5 Languages of Apolagy by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas
His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
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